Some of you know I went to the doc a while back. Some of you don’t. I switched ob/gyns. I didn’t feel like mine was listening or taking the time to really consider my pain so I asked around and found one that came highly recommended. To say I like the new guy is a huge understatement. What I found out is something totally different. I have had endometriosis for as long as I can remember. I’ve always been in pain but never like this. It’s become a daily struggle and so I knew what I would hear wouldn’t be good. I went in and met the doctor and had a vaginal ultrasound. What I saw on that screen shocked me. My female parts are a mess. The uterus should be a “T” or chalice shape. Mine is almost a perfect circle. It’s being compacted. It should move freely, mine is stationed in place. Imagine if Spiderman flipped his wrist and flung a web at my inner lady bits. That’s how it looks. Everything is attached by endometrium and scar tissue. I also have a cyst on my right ovary that’s almost larger than the ovary itself. This came as a relief to me. I know that sounds crazy but the pain has been so much more intense on that side and it felt good to finally know why. I have two options. Neither of which I like. The first option is to have the doctor go in and try to laser as much scarring and growth off as best he can. He says he can’t promise anything and if he were to get in there and see that there isn’t a possibility to do any good with the laser he would have to give Travis the option of the second option or nothing while I was under. The second option would be to have a hysterectomy. When he said that I just about fell off the exam table. Me? A hysterectomy? At my age? I’m 26. I cannot tell you the fear and internal struggle I’ve had with this news. I know we’re done having children. One, b/c we have decided that two is enough for us and two, b/c it is not safe to try to get pregnant with the condition my uterus is in. I guess I’m greedy. I suppose I’m selfish. I want to keep my damaged parts that cause me pain. Sick, right? We’ve talked about it over and over. I know I will have to do what’s right for our family. That cyst could rupture at any time. I’m in constant pain. I’m losing weight b/c I don’t feel like eating when I hurt. All of these reasons and so many more are why I will eventually part with the very organs that created and carried my children. I will say good-bye to them and go through menopause before 30. This was/is a very hard post to write. Seeing it in print is even harder. It makes it real. That’s why it’s taken me so long to do. I’m not ready yet but I will be, I think. I will not apologize to anyone if I seem like a wimp or a weenie for being so sentimental over these organs that cause me so much pain. They’ve also given me the most greatest gift I’ve ever received. If someone doesn’t understand that, then I can’t help it. I’m struggling with this and I don’t need anyone else to understand me or my pain or fear. It’s mine and I own it……
Oh friend. What a difficult thing to put down on paper, to actually say these words. I'm so, so, so sorry you are having to face this & deal with these issues. I absolutely get the attachment you have to your lady bits & even though they are in horrible shape, I can so understand the internal debate you're having. Love you.
Baby I am so sorry that you are having to go thru this, you do not deserve it. I know this desicion must be a hard one and I will pray that you can do what you need to do with as little pain as possible. I love you sweetpea.
I am so sorry.
I can't imagine how hard this must be for you…and to have to deal with it so young.I will be praying for you my friend π
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine how hard this decision is for you. π¦ (And for the record, it's not crazy at all to feel relief at even a "bad" diagnosis – a lot of the time, the not knowing is far scarier than the symptoms/outcomes.)*hugs*
Sentimental? not a bit, it's not about being sentimental, it's about feeling whole? I know that all our lives we are one big focus, having our babies and our womanly parts. You have every right to want to keep them, do what you need to do to stay healthy, hugs! and many prayers for your womenly parts.
Aww – I am SO sorry you are having to deal with it! ESPECIALLY at 26 years old! At 29 I had my first ABNORMAL pap and it was DEVASTATING! However, an "office procedure" cleared everything up. I will keep you in my prayers!
Oh that's rough. I totally understand the being young/having to go through something so heavy.
Oh my gosh girl. You KNOW I understand what you are going through. I have been dealing with endo for most of my life and it has made it incredibly difficult to function at times. No-one that I've ever met, except those with endo, can come close to understanding the severity of pain that it causes and how it ruins your life in so many ways. I have been unable to function at times during that part of the month and sometimes for three weeks of the month. Like my doctor pointed out once, that's more than half of your life. Micaela asked me the other day when I was in pain and incapacitated. "Mommy, are you going to feel like this for the rest of your life"? It made me really cry inside to hear her ask that. She has witnessed me on the floor too many times to remember and it's affected her and B too.I have had a hysterectomy recommended before (many times) but because they couldn't guarantee that it would cure the problem (my endo was more on my bowel and bladder which is a whole other type of pain), I have been so close to it. I think this year, I've finally accepted that I might just have to go ahead – it can't get any worse.I've had the cysts too – MANY times – they've ruptured and I thought I would die. I have to say the laporaroscopies have given me relief every time- even for a few years. Not perfect relief, but they've always managed to laser it off. Maybe you should get a second opinion anyway. I also partook in a drug trial years ago that was very successful – and that bought me time. I suffer from such severe PMS and had PPD that I was terrified that a hysterectomy would make it even worse, but you know sometimes I think at least I might not have pain on top of everything else.I understand. I too, am attached to these parts that bore my children, despite the fact that they have caused me so much distress over the years. Whatever you decide, give it time and get another opinion. You are so young and there is so much research going on – maybe check your teaching hospitals for drug trials.I also went the natural route for a while and had by far the most success with a natural progesterone pill that I took. It helped with the pain, the PMS, everything. It eventually got too expensive when my husband left and I became a single mother. Maybe you could ask in your area about bio-identical hormone clincs? The regular OB?GYN's do not like to talk about them because they don't accept that they help, but they totally did. And when I think of the surgeries I've had and the cost of medication, etc. I think it would be worth it for you to give it a shot.So sorry this is so long, but I wanted to say I understand and hope thatyou can have peace in your final decision. Take your time. I am also here to talk if you ever need – I am sorry that we have this horrible disease in common. I am probably at the point where I will have the hysterectomy this year. The blessing in all of this, is that we both HAVE two beautiful healthy children and I was told I'd never get pregnant. I know many people with endo don't.Should have saved this convo for an email – SO SORRY.Hang in there – much love and hugs today,Tricia : ) xxxx
My heart is with your right now. I can only imagine how you may feel "empty" with this. My mom went through something similar at the time of my birth. At 30, she too, had a hysterectomy. Big hugs!
Oh sweetie. Big hugs coming your way. I'm so sorry you're facing this decision. Wish there was sometime I could say or do to make it better.
I am so sorry to hear what your going through. I know if it were me, it would be the fact that someone was telling me what I should do with my lady bits as opposed to it being my own choice. Of COURSE you have an attatchment to your bits, it would be crazy if you didn't. I only hope that whatever you decide to do it helps with the pain, because no one should be held prisoner by there own body or physiology. Not if it can be helped.I only hope and pray for you to find peace with whatever decision you make, and know that you have people who love you, and are here for you, even if it's just here in cyberland. Sending you big Hugs. Your in my thoughts Sweets!
I have another blog friend who is alittle older than you going through the same thing only they couldn't find out what was wrong.She has been in pain for several months now with heavy pain medication. I know you know what you have to do. I've been going through menopause for 10 years now.You won't miss your period I can tell you that. I know several people who went through surgery with early menopause w/meds and I think it was easier then the normal way in your 40's & 50's.Letting go of this is very hard, I understand that but your health is very important. I will pray for you.
Oh hun….I think most women would understand. There is something about our lady bits that we don't want messed with, even if they don't work! I know this decision is hard but when the time comes, the best one will jump right out at you. Big hugs!
Ash…you are always there for me when I need you, listening to me throught out my preg issues and I am here for you my friend. You are such a wonderful mother and wife, I love our chat sessions and know that whichever decision you make it will be the best. You have two of the most precious children who bring you so much love and joy and that is a reflection of your parenting. I am here for you if you need me.Silvia (Bikerchickbb)
Hey baby, go over to my blog and pick up your Sunshine Award!
Oh honey. I am sorry I haven't seen this until now. :(You know, I totally get it. When I was having problems with Joley's birth, the one thing I said to them is, "save my uterus". It is hard to think about the loss of something that defines us as women. I am so sorry you are dealing with this but I am glad that Trav is such a great support for you. Please talk to me if you need anything. Love you!