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Archive for July, 2010

New!

I’m writing really quickly to let everyone(okay there aren’t that many) know that I’ve changed my blog address. Instead of here at Brain Of A Mommy I’ll be at Just Ashlee If you you’d like to keep reading me and I really hope you do, please follow me over there! Thanks!!
Ashlee

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I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m admitting that right out of the gate. Thing 1 hasn’t slept well for over a month-almost 2 now. She won’t go willingly to bed and doesn’t stay there once we put her in bed. She is scared. Scared of something. She cries. She holds onto me. Something isn’t right. She wakes up anywhere from 2 all the way to 10 times in the middle of the night. Sometimes she will go back to bed and to sleep without a fight. Other nights(most times) she begins crying hysterically and acts as if going back to bed is the most terrifying thing in the world. I’m at a loss. I’ve called the pediatrician 5X only to be told by the nurse I will be called back and then they don’t. This upsets me. I trust and love our doctor. I’ve never been treated this way. I don’t blame him. The receptionists/nurses that work for him are worthless. I despise them. I am heartbroken for my little girl. Something very real to her is making it impossible for her to sleep peacefully through the night. Something in her dreams, thoughts, or imagination is causing such dramatic outbursts that, at times, I don’t recognize my own child. This isn’t a skinned knee I can put a band-aid on and kiss away. This is deeper and much worse. I have been told to try melatonin and really do want to try it but I was wanting to discuss it with our doctor first. I’ve tried to talk to her about this. I have moved her brother into her room for comfort. She has 2 night lights and a lamp that emits enough light for reading she sleeps with and her TV is on every night. I never let her watch anything even remotely scary. I feel like I’ve covered every possible base yet here we are…..every night the same thing. I feel like I’m failing as a Mommy to protect my little girl. Isn’t that my job? She needs me. I’ve googled and done research on night terrors. Some of the symptoms fit. Some do not. I won’t stop looking for answers and if our doctor’s office can’t get back to me I’ll find another doctor that will. If anyone has any information or help that I haven’t tried, it would be greatly appreciated. My little Sleeping Beauty deserves calm and peaceful sleep.

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Bring it on!

It’s been  a while since I wrote. I was honestly hoping I’d have something new and wonderful to tell you. “I love menopause. Greatest thing in the world!” Those would be big fat lies. Menopause is almost as big of an evil whore as PMS and endo. The hot flashes feel like satan is here licking my skin. The night sweats feel as if someone has dropped me in the swimming pool and lovingly placed me back into my bed all the while not waking me from my slumber. The mental confusion? HAHAHA! I had that shit before the menopause so now it’s just worse. That ones just kind of funny. The fatigue? It hits at really odd times and I feel like I’ve run a marathon after feeling fine a moment before. When they say “rollercoaster”, they aren’t shitting you. I feel for any woman who has gone through this chemically or naturally. The pain is still here. Doc said to expect at least 3 months before I’d feel less pain. I think it might be less. I’ve attempted to stop the pain meds a few times to see if I could handle the pain. So far, bad BAD experiment there but I had to try, right? Hubs didn’t think so and got pretty upset with me trying. He hates seeing me in pain. I feel like menopause has made me a liar. I am constantly telling him or my sister(about the only IRL people who ask how I’m doing) “I’m fine” and I am lying about 90% of the time. There are days where I’m okay and that’s not a lie. I function through the pain regardless and I go about my day as I would without any pain at all. It just sucks to have to do that because it’s a lot harder to put that smile on my face for Thing 1 and Thing 2 who have come to watch me much closer. They “know”. They don’t know what’s going on but they “know” something isn’t right and they are very protective of me. I love them for that and hate that they notice it. This will get better. I know it will. I’m willing it to get better. I refuse to accept that I will be in pain forever. I have too much in my life and too many things to do to lay in my “Ashlee Cave” with a heat pad on my stomach and cry about how bad I’m hurting. Bring it on, pain. Bring it on, hot flashes. Anything else you got, Mr. Menopause? Throw that at me, too. Thank you to anyone who reads this and asks me how I’m doing. You have no idea how much your support and concern mean to me. I have very little real life support so that fact that you care and worry, wow. Thanks.

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