A hard post…..

Some of you know I went to the doc a while back. Some of you don’t. I switched ob/gyns. I didn’t feel like mine was listening or taking the time to really consider my pain so I asked around and found one that came highly recommended. To say I like the new guy is a huge understatement. What I found out is something totally different. I have had endometriosis for as long as I can remember. I’ve always been in pain but never like this. It’s become a daily struggle and so I knew what I would hear wouldn’t be good. I went in and met the doctor and had a vaginal ultrasound. What I saw on that screen shocked me. My female parts are a mess. The uterus should be a “T” or chalice shape. Mine is almost a perfect circle. It’s being compacted. It should move freely, mine is stationed in place. Imagine if Spiderman flipped his wrist and flung a web at my inner lady bits. That’s how it looks. Everything is attached by endometrium and scar tissue. I also have a cyst on my right ovary that’s almost larger than the ovary itself. This came as a relief to me. I know that sounds crazy but the pain has been so much more intense on that side and it felt good to finally know why. I have two options. Neither of which I like. The first option is to have the doctor go in and try to laser as much scarring and growth off as best he can. He says he can’t promise anything and if he were to get in there and see that there isn’t a possibility to do any good with the laser he would have to give Travis the option of the second option or nothing while I was under. The second option would be to have a hysterectomy. When he said that I just about fell off the exam table. Me? A hysterectomy? At my age? I’m 26. I cannot tell you the fear and internal struggle I’ve had with this news. I know we’re done having children. One, b/c we have decided that two is enough for us and two, b/c it is not safe to try to get pregnant with the condition my uterus is in. I guess I’m greedy. I suppose I’m selfish. I want to keep my damaged parts that cause me pain. Sick, right? We’ve talked about it over and over. I know I will have to do what’s right for our family. That cyst could rupture at any time. I’m in constant pain. I’m losing weight b/c I don’t feel like eating when I hurt. All of these reasons and so many more are why I will eventually part with the very organs that created and carried my children. I will say good-bye to them and go through menopause before 30. This was/is a very hard post to write. Seeing it in print is even harder. It makes it real. That’s why it’s taken me so long to do. I’m not ready yet but I will be, I think. I will not apologize to anyone if I seem like a wimp or a weenie for being so sentimental over these organs that cause me so much pain. They’ve also given me the most greatest gift I’ve ever received. If someone doesn’t understand that, then I can’t help it. I’m struggling with this and I don’t need anyone else to understand me or my pain or fear. It’s mine and I own it……

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Post-It Note Tuesday….

Be sure to click on the top post-it to join in the fun at Adventures of a WannaBe SupahMommy.

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WW-Siblings

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Beautiful Blogger

Jen over at Princess Prose has already given me a lot: her friendship, but she’s gone a step further and bestowed upon me this lovely treasure…..the Beautiful Blogger Award.

I don’t feel the beautiful part but blogger is true enough(even though I need to do more of it as I have many things floating through my head that need out!)

So, the ‘rules’ of this award:

1. Thank the person who nominated me for this award. (Thank you, you amazing woman!!!)
   
2. Copy the award & place it on my blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated me for this award. Check Jen out!
4. Share 7 interesting things about myself (I’m not sure about the “interesting” but I will share 7 things)
   
5. Nominate 7 other beautiful bloggers (I think I know just the 7…..)
   

Seven things you always wanted to know about me, but were afraid to ask:

1. I can sing, somewhat. That’s right. You read that correctly. I have a decent singing voice. I’ve never sang in public but my family wishes I had. I’ve always been told I should but I’m a chickenshit and so my kids are the only ones who get serenaded.
2. I hate labels and prejudice. I am so annoyed with labels and “what’s right”. This will probably piss people off and lose me some followers but that’s okay. I was not married when I got pregnant with Thing 1. I must be going to hell, right? Nope. We chose to get married because we wanted to be married….no other reason. Being married or not, gay or straight, mixed race couples or not…..I’m so sick of everyone talking about “what’s right” and what’s not. Get the hell over it. Do what you think and feel is right and leave everyone else’s “normal” alone!
3. I am scared to death of clowns. I do not care how cute and friendly they are. I hate them. Give me the creepiest, crawliest creature over a damn clown any day. When one comes up to me at a circus, I get light headed and dizzy and run away. It’s that bad.
4. I have issues swallowing pills. I always have. When I was younger and needed to take Tylenol, my Dad would crush one up and put it in applesauce so I could take it without choking. Now, as an adult, I still choke on them. I have large tonsils that should have been taken out but I refused the surgery and so if I must take pills, it sucks!
5. I’m very sensitive. I hide that well. Don’t get me wrong. I will stand up for myself but don’t think my feelings don’t get hurt in the process of someone being mean. I will mull over something someone said for days if it hurt my feelings. Sad, but true.
6. I’m left handed. VERY left handed. I cannot do anything with my right hand-cut paper with scissors, feed myself, comb my hair…nothing. If I ever break my left hand, I’m in big ass trouble. I’m almost handicapped with my right hand. I’ve been left handed since birth. Everyone told my mother to switch me and she refused. Thing 2 is showing signs of being left handed and I won’t switch him but I might teach him to do more things with his right.
7. I know a lot of woman who have hated being a SAHM or say “I don’t see how you can stay at home, I hated it!” and I don’t know what to say to these womaen. I understand when a woman has to work for their families but when they choose to because they don’t want to be around their kids? That’s not me. I’m dreading the day that both my kids are in school and I will get an “outside job”. I love my role right now. I love what I do. SAHMing is the best thing in the world and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Here are my 7 nominees:

Kimber over at Day In The Life of a Girl Named Kimber

Suzanna over at Give Me Some Sugar

Mimi over at Mimi Needs Meds

Katie over at Why Bother?

Caiti over at Everything’s Just Wonderful

Amanda over at Garibay Soup

Stefanie over at To Be Thode

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Out with the old…..and in the with the new

……..camera. Expect lots of pictures like this:

and like this:

and, of course, this:

I’m a little bit biased but aren’t these amazing subjects? I am absolutely smitten with my new camera whom I’ve affectionately named Milo. He is now a part of our family. I cannot convey to you my excitement I feel about the possibilities my new camera brings! Happy Valentine’s Day!!

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The gloves are off!

I’m mad. I try very hard not to judge other Mothers. Every child is different and every parenting style is different and I know that. What I think is a good thing, others might not so this is one reason why I try very hard not to judge other Mothers. I don’t feel like I’m payed the same courtesy. More times than not I am painted as a Helicopter-Mom. This, in and of itself, does not bother me. It’s the light in which the helicopterness is talked about. It’s brought up and referred to as a bad thing. So, I hover. So, I am constantly talking to my children and asking them questions to hear their thoughts and needs. Big effing deal! Why does that bother you? I don’t bring to your attention that it bothers me you leave your children unattended for large periods of time. I don’t shove in your face that when you child is sick and has been for quite a while that you haven’t taken them to the doctor, is a bad idea in my eyes. Why must you tell me you think I need to “back off” and let my kids breath? They’re freaking breathing! My kids are smart, articulate, well-adjusted children and I think I have had a great amount to do with that…hovering and all. I like to think that my paving this relationship with my children now that hopefully, Godwilling, they will be able to come to me with problems in their teenage years. NO, I am not trying to be their best friend. They have school and playdates for that. I am their mother. I am their disciplinarian. They mind, they follow rules. They are not little hellions that run wild at every given chance. I do not like…hell, I hate that you must point out all my supposed flaws when, if I was doing the same, my arsenal would be stocked for years. It’s uncalled for and it thoroughly pisses me off. I might hover over my children and that’s my prerogative as the person who brought them into this world. You have the same right with your kids. You do not have the right to be a self-righteous asshole in thinking that your way is better than mine. Truth be told, your way sucks! Your way, if it hasn’t already, is asking for trouble! This is me saying that the gloves are off. The politeness has hit it’s peak and the next time you have a “reminder”/”gentle suggestion” you will be told where to stick it!

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