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Wanted: Best Friend

All my life, I have searched for the friend. Not a friend. I’ve had plenty of those. THE friend. A best friend. A friend who can only be described with the word “best”. A friend who is so much more than they have to be. I always had sleepovers growing up, was invited to birthday parties, had people over to my house. I never lacked in someone to hang out with. As I got older, I never ran out of people to do things with but I also didn’t have that someone….that person. I knew it and I think the people who I hung out with knew it, too. I’ve had people in my life who I thought could be the best friend. They lied, talked about me behind my back, broke my trust….broke my heart. They were not my best friend.  I turned my cheek and kept looking for what I knew I wanted: that person. The person who I could tell my fears, my desires, my dreams and wishes to. The person who will listen to me when I’m being silly and then tell me just that. The person who will make me see the positive when all I see is the dark and negative side of things. I have a few people in my life who I can confide in. There is one person who I KNOW would and could be a best friend to me. We cannot be the friends we would like to be. The circumstances around our situation won’t allow it. She knows who she is and she knows how grateful I am for her friendship that I do get. Thank you. I hear about people talking on the phone and hanging out. I want that. I want someone to help me plan my kid’s birthday parties and to go shopping with me and tell me what looks okay on my big boobs that are too big for my body frame. I was laying in bed last night and I couldn’t sleep. I was thinking about my missing friend. The one I know I should have. It felt like a Mack truck came and hit me doing 90. Ashlee! You dumbass! This friend? This person who is always there and never leaves me? This person who will stand by your side and never walk away? The one who will never betray your confidence and tell your darkest secret? The single most trustworthy human on the face of the planet in your eyes? You. married. him. I can’t believe I didn’t realize it before now. We’ve been together almost 9 years…married for 6 next month. I’ve bitched and moaned this WHOLE time about how I’ll never find a best friend, someone who is what everyone else has. I already had it…just in a different form. He isn’t a girlfriend. He isn’t a woman. But he’s my best friend. I know how corny that sounds, trust me. I know people will say “Aren’t you supposed to marry your best friend?” and yes, you are. But, I didn’t realize how much I depend on him as my friend until last night. He’s everything I can’t find in someone else and maybe that’s why….I don’t need to. I have it.

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Meet Night:

This is my talker. She will tell you about her day before you ask. She will ask about your day before you have processed what your day was like. She is the champion at “20 questions”. She quests for knowledge. She is my sassy one. If you make her mad, prepare yourself. She has a quick wit about her and you will see/hear it(we’re working on that one). She is a Daddy’s girl. She has a fierce love for us all but Daddy holds her heart. She swears she will marry him when she grows up and gets out of college(she actually says that). My girl is brave. Nothing scares her. She is always up for trying new things. She wants to jump off the high dive or try the big slide at the park. I love her passion for life and everyone in it. She amazes me every day with her wide eyes that seem to be taking every thing in at all times. I love this girl.

Meet Day:

This is my shy child. You must earn his trust to be able to talk to him, sit beside him, hug him. He’s very protected with his feelings and thoughts. You know you’ve done something right if he asks you a question or walks up to you with a hug. He’s my cuddle bunny. He loves to cuddle, snuggle…pretty much anything that involves close contact with his Mama. He’s been this way since birth. I worried that would go away as he got older but he’s proved me wrong. He’s all boy, too. If it makes a “vroom vroom” sound, he’s all over it. He likes dinosaurs and monkeys and loves to play pretend. There isn’t a single day that goes by that I don’t thank my lucky stars for this little man who brings a smile to my face every day.

These kids of mine are completely different in so many ways. They are like night and day. They also have a lot in common. They both have their Daddy’s feet. Thank goodness! Mine are hideous. Both kids have my nose which is also good because the Trav’s is kind of big. Their eye colors are different but the shape is very similar I could stare into both and get lost. They’re beautiful. These children complete me. They are the reason I am here. I have never felt a more powerful love or need to protect anything in my entire life. Both kids hold my heart in the palms of their tiny little hands. I love them from the tops of their heads all the way down to the tips of their toes….

A hard post…..

Some of you know I went to the doc a while back. Some of you don’t. I switched ob/gyns. I didn’t feel like mine was listening or taking the time to really consider my pain so I asked around and found one that came highly recommended. To say I like the new guy is a huge understatement. What I found out is something totally different. I have had endometriosis for as long as I can remember. I’ve always been in pain but never like this. It’s become a daily struggle and so I knew what I would hear wouldn’t be good. I went in and met the doctor and had a vaginal ultrasound. What I saw on that screen shocked me. My female parts are a mess. The uterus should be a “T” or chalice shape. Mine is almost a perfect circle. It’s being compacted. It should move freely, mine is stationed in place. Imagine if Spiderman flipped his wrist and flung a web at my inner lady bits. That’s how it looks. Everything is attached by endometrium and scar tissue. I also have a cyst on my right ovary that’s almost larger than the ovary itself. This came as a relief to me. I know that sounds crazy but the pain has been so much more intense on that side and it felt good to finally know why. I have two options. Neither of which I like. The first option is to have the doctor go in and try to laser as much scarring and growth off as best he can. He says he can’t promise anything and if he were to get in there and see that there isn’t a possibility to do any good with the laser he would have to give Travis the option of the second option or nothing while I was under. The second option would be to have a hysterectomy. When he said that I just about fell off the exam table. Me? A hysterectomy? At my age? I’m 26. I cannot tell you the fear and internal struggle I’ve had with this news. I know we’re done having children. One, b/c we have decided that two is enough for us and two, b/c it is not safe to try to get pregnant with the condition my uterus is in. I guess I’m greedy. I suppose I’m selfish. I want to keep my damaged parts that cause me pain. Sick, right? We’ve talked about it over and over. I know I will have to do what’s right for our family. That cyst could rupture at any time. I’m in constant pain. I’m losing weight b/c I don’t feel like eating when I hurt. All of these reasons and so many more are why I will eventually part with the very organs that created and carried my children. I will say good-bye to them and go through menopause before 30. This was/is a very hard post to write. Seeing it in print is even harder. It makes it real. That’s why it’s taken me so long to do. I’m not ready yet but I will be, I think. I will not apologize to anyone if I seem like a wimp or a weenie for being so sentimental over these organs that cause me so much pain. They’ve also given me the most greatest gift I’ve ever received. If someone doesn’t understand that, then I can’t help it. I’m struggling with this and I don’t need anyone else to understand me or my pain or fear. It’s mine and I own it……

Post-It Note Tuesday….




Be sure to click on the top post-it to join in the fun at Adventures of a WannaBe SupahMommy.

WW-Siblings

Beautiful Blogger

Jen over at Princess Prose has already given me a lot: her friendship, but she’s gone a step further and bestowed upon me this lovely treasure…..the Beautiful Blogger Award.


I don’t feel the beautiful part but blogger is true enough(even though I need to do more of it as I have many things floating through my head that need out!)

So, the ‘rules’ of this award:

  1. Thank the person who nominated me for this award. (Thank you, you amazing woman!!!)
  2. Copy the award & place it on my blog.
  3. Link to the person who nominated me for this award. Check Jen out!
  4. Share 7 interesting things about myself (I’m not sure about the “interesting” but I will share 7 things)
  5. Nominate 7 other beautiful bloggers (I think I know just the 7…..)

Seven things you always wanted to know about me, but were afraid to ask:

  1. I can sing, somewhat. That’s right. You read that correctly. I have a decent singing voice. I’ve never sang in public but my family wishes I had. I’ve always been told I should but I’m a chickenshit and so my kids are the only ones who get serenaded.
  2. I hate labels and prejudice. I am so annoyed with labels and “what’s right”. This will probably piss people off and lose me some followers but that’s okay. I was not married when I got pregnant with Thing 1. I must be going to hell, right? Nope. We chose to get married because we wanted to be married….no other reason. Being married or not, gay or straight, mixed race couples or not…..I’m so sick of everyone talking about “what’s right” and what’s not. Get the hell over it. Do what you think and feel is right and leave everyone else’s “normal” alone!
  3. I am scared to death of clowns. I do not care how cute and friendly they are. I hate them. Give me the creepiest, crawliest creature over a damn clown any day. When one comes up to me at a circus, I get light headed and dizzy and run away. It’s that bad.
  4. I have issues swallowing pills. I always have. When I was younger and needed to take Tylenol, my Dad would crush one up and put it in applesauce so I could take it without choking. Now, as an adult, I still choke on them. I have large tonsils that should have been taken out but I refused the surgery and so if I must take pills, it sucks!
  5. I’m very sensitive. I hide that well. Don’t get me wrong. I will stand up for myself but don’t think my feelings don’t get hurt in the process of someone being mean. I will mull over something someone said for days if it hurt my feelings. Sad, but true.
  6. I’m left handed. VERY left handed. I cannot do anything with my right hand-cut paper with scissors, feed myself, comb my hair…nothing. If I ever break my left hand, I’m in big ass trouble. I’m almost handicapped with my right hand. I’ve been left handed since birth. Everyone told my mother to switch me and she refused. Thing 2 is showing signs of being left handed and I won’t switch him but I might teach him to do more things with his right.
  7. I know a lot of woman who have hated being a SAHM or say “I don’t see how you can stay at home, I hated it!” and I don’t know what to say to these womaen. I understand when a woman has to work for their families but when they choose to because they don’t want to be around their kids? That’s not me. I’m dreading the day that both my kids are in school and I will get an “outside job”. I love my role right now. I love what I do. SAHMing is the best thing in the world and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

Here are my 7 nominees:

Kimber over at Day In The Life of a Girl Named Kimber

Suzanna
over at Give Me Some Sugar

Mimi over at Mimi Needs Meds

Katie over at Why Bother?

Caiti over at Everything’s Just Wonderful

Amanda over at Garibay Soup

Stefanie over at To Be Thode

……..camera. Expect lots of pictures like this:

and like this:

and, of course, this:


I’m a little bit biased but aren’t these amazing subjects? I am absolutely smitten with my new camera whom I’ve affectionately named Milo. He is now a part of our family. I cannot convey to you my excitement I feel about the possibilities my new camera brings! Happy Valentine’s Day!!